I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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