if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
