I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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