im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
