just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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