How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
