I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
