Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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