I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
