i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
