So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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