on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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