So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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