so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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