You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
