If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
