didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
