FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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