He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
