I met the friendliest cop last night
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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