when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
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You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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