My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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