i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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