We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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