They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
