I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
