sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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