he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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