shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
