she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
