If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
