Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
