Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
