She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
