I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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