my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
