no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
