I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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