I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
