I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
