Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
