i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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