im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
