This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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