i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
