its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
two words: eviction party
did i walk over a car last night?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
