so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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