Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
