I wish my penis had an off switch
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
