My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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