I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
