i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
