you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
