I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
