I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
