Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
