his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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