I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
