i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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