You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
